so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
