this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
