you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
