I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
