Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Let's get the cat blown out
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
