I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
