I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
