my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So squirting runs in the family.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
