I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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