Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
