all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
