dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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