I could make wine with my vomit
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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