After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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