I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
