Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize