you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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