as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
