shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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