Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
