dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
