Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize