dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
