the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
