Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
