I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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