I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
