well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
