i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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