What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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