Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
