a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
