i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
