i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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