I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
