I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
