it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
