I can text with my tongue
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
