Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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