if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
