Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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