we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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