He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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