oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
