So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
