Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
