Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
