Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
