I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
