he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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