It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
