Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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