My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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