How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
